Why Did I Get Married?

  Why Did I Get Married, Good question i think its one we all end up asking our self or its just me and We have a lot to work on. Not Sure. Do you ever find little things that just make you want to scream at them. I do. And it make me want to scream more when i'm mad, It may be the hormones or its just the fact that we need work i'm hoping its all these hormones i mean only 9 weeks till baby mason is here thats has to have something to do with it right? Who know. Its like coming home he does something that i do to like leave dishes around but then yells at me about it and says i'm messy. REALLY? Come on man. How do you hold your self together when all you want to do is scream I WANT OUT! I WANT YOU TO SEE!!! I WANT YOU TO REALIZE YOUR JUST AS BAD!!! Its like the facebook games He comes home, he needs time to unwind so i let him do whatever for an hour or two and then i want to talk and be with him but he would rather say "hold on baby i'm almost done".... Two hours later.. Me " Hey baby can we talk now or watch a movie?" Him " Yeah just another minute." No Screw that i'm sick of waiting i feel like my life is a waiting game i wait for him for forever you know this isn't how i imagined my life waiting all the time having to make sure he is happy before me Who wants a life like that. NOT ME! I love him i really do but love can only go so far it has to come from both party's and i don't think this is the life he asked for either 19 married and a baby on the way. Right now his next thought is work and when he can smoke his next cig and drink his next beer, And who am i to try to get him to grow up and want a family. 


  You know thinking about all this makes me think where will we be in a year, I mean i'm so grateful for my son but i would never want him to see this mess. What do you do. Leave, stay, Work it out or think its just all these crazy hormones. HELP!! I just want to scream, scream loud with everything i have for HELP!!! I feel lost, like i'm not this person i'm just someone watching this person fall down a long long black hole trying to help them but they are way to far gone. Sometimes i wake up thinking this feeling in the pit of my stomach of being unhappy and sad is just a dream. I SO WISH IT WAS. I thought they said the first year was the hardest well the year is over and past and i still feel like i'm waiting waiting for it to change over night and to wake up see that i'm crazy and life is Happy, Good!... 


  I feel like i have lost my best friend, life partner, and husband i'm not sure if its from me pushing him away or him seeing what he really got into. Who knows, i don't. I don't know my best friend anymore we don't talk they way we did in the beginning we don't look at each other the way we did. I say I love you but i feel like i'm saying it to someone i don't know i don't feel the feeling i use to when he said it i mean i know the puppy love feeling doesn't stay there for ever and that was long gone but i'm talking about the feeling of knowing no matter what happens that person is there for you that person loves you. I miss the feeling of home was where he was, Home was being in his arms. Maybe young and in love wasn't the best thing to throw into a marriage......

Marriage & Baby Mason.

Wow, quite sometime! I haven't been on here or written anything in so long and there has been so much that has changed i really need to keep coming back, I need to keep writing because when i write i feel so much better like what i cant say in person can be said here. Speaking of what can be said here, Cole and I are on vacation right now in Tucson Arizona I feel happy to be out of California but at the same time i just feel alone to. Cole and his family are so close its hard for me to add myself they have this thing there own jokes and it seems that its just them and i am that girlfriend that is around. I guess that could be my pregnancy hormones to but it has always felt like that i mean when we go back to my home i make sure he feels welcome and i try to have him to everything. Here i am sitting at his brothers house alone while they are out playing ball or something on the air force base i would never do that to him. Then again we have now been married for a year as of January 22nd and i have never felt more alone in our relationship. I think he wanted so much more then what we have now, How do you give someone more when you have given them everything you have. You Cant. You suck it up and you deal work harder and hope it works.


Other then all that great news My little bundle of joy is almost here! We are having a baby boy and naming him Mason. He is not here yet and he is already my best friend i talk to him so much and he kicks back . lol yeah i know sad but true. He has given me so much happiness already and he isn't even here yet. it is so amazing how much you can really love someone so much. Little mason will be here April 10th and i so badly want him here now but i know i wont be saying that when he is here haha.